Epic Action Rideshare News: Formerly known as Sexy Action Rideshare News
SARN 2017 Finale
Hello and welcome to Sexy Action RideShare News (SARN)! Hi I’m Meg JackieChanason filling in for Susan WhitePriveledgo who has been missing for weeks now. She was last seen in Lakeview with a request to go to Aurora. Many spectate she is in someone’s trunk or in the basement of Macys. Today we start off with the controversy of a particular passenger expecitng to do pickups at ORD at 4am. We investigated the situation and found that most airlines outside of international flights do not land flights between 2am and 7am in Chicago. Like who the hell starts a flight from New York, California, etc that damn early? If you find yourself at ORD that early in this cold ass weather you can blast your heat and wait many hours or take yourself home and watch “The Crown Season 2 on Netflix”. Now I’m passing things over to Nathan who is at ORD.
Hello guys, thanks for coming to this riveting season finale of season one of SARN. Behind me is a food truck being set up. N***s are hungry and avoiding going outside the car now. Earlier I counted that there are 13 port-o-potty’s at the airport. There are rumors that there used to be 14 here, but one was so decimated the city refused to replace it. Looking at all the graffiti and referral codes written on the stalls we have found a note from our beloved Susan saying, “If I go missing, track my last location using Facebook”. For some reason we didn’t think of that. So get ready, her last location is at the Aurora Casino. What sort of mischief could be happening there? Our special reporter Amanda Penetrait has a pool ending nearby it so stay tuned for her investigative journalism. David, right back at ya.
Thanks Nathan, as we noted earlier, its cooler than the love of my ex-wife. So with that lets jump into stats, the change of surge for today is reletively low with many people buying Bitcoin instead of ordering ubers. The vomit rate is at 2% with many people catching seasonal depression and drinking their pains away. The national tippage rate is at 5% with 10% of passengers reporting to “tip in the app” as they get out of the car. That wraps that up, Amanda, you ready?
“Hello its Amanda Penetrait. Yes I just completed a 7 person pool to the casino in Aurora. My last 2 passengers exchanged phone numbers and are planning to meet at 1:30 in the morning to talk about vegan pizza. It was a 3 hour trip and I made $35. I can finally go fill my gas tank up. So I went into the casino and found alot of drivers trying to “Triple their UBER income”. I interviewed them and many said, “We lost it all” or “We made $600” off 1 hand in blackjack. There is few in between. While walking towards the exit I ran into a frail woman who resembled Susan. She said she has booked Airbnbs nearby and has been playing slots for 16 hours a day. She said, she makes enough each day. I asked her for her last name and she said, “WhitePriveledgo”. Oh my gosh. It’s Susan. She seems to have grown totally addicted to gambling. She has agreed to print out her final voucher and go back to reporting to the news for Season 2 of SARN. Susan, do you have anything to say?”
“Hey guys. Sorry for gambling everyday for the last 3 weeks. I really wanted to get away from the passengers asking me how long I’ve been driving for UBER and asking me to turn the volume down. I felt in total control here. I guess to ends this season all I can say is, “Next season we are going to experiment with South-Park like animations. So be patient AF because we ain’t got that much free time!”
Well you heard it from Susan herself. Season TWO is expected to come to you in video some time in 2018…
Susan, glad you’re alive! Meg, back to you!