Epic Action Rideshare News: Formerly known as Sexy Action Rideshare News
Hello and welcome to Sexy Action RideShare News (SARN)!
Our top story is on the literal month of November. Our top field reporter David Dongwa has been told that many Uber drivers are allegedly playing Christmas music stations only when Uber pool passengers are in the car. This technique is seen as a passive aggressive punishment for cheap people with no holiday spirit of buying more expensive rides.
Good work Mr. Dongwa. Shi shi!
Our next story is about a ni**a allowing people to play his Nintendo Switch while he does Uber/Lyft. This comes of course from the Nintendo Switch fan community where a driver named Timothy Andrew has posted a shocking picture of his switch being easily accessible by his passengers. Although some protective measures was taken, we wonder if this sort of technique could survive an uber pool from Jackson and Kedzie from a customer with a different gender from the requesting rider. That’s a giant fu**king run on sentence eh?
Onto stats, yesterday people made a sh*t ton of money in the stocks. The natioanl vomit index has dropped to only 2% today. The chance of tipping is at an all time high of 70%. This number has no actual research behind it, but it probably is fact-checked better than CNN does its stories. Weather is cold AF, so no need to even attach pic. And the chance of surge is at 12% because Obama was here recently.
Now for our final story, there are numerous reports that people are requesting Express Pools and once entering making a phone call and then asking for the heat to be turned down. Male drivers have complained that their balls have nearly froze after listening to their passenger. Would you comply or simply give the passenger a middle finger and turn the heat up even more?
That’s all for today. Susan, back to…
Live from Washington, there are numerous reports that North Korea may have sleeper agents abducting Chicagoland Uber drivers today and tomorrow. All Uber drivers are advised to only do Lyft and Via within the next 48 hours. Our very reliable source chose to remain annoymous and is not trying to force a surge and help him complete his rides for the Uber Quest this week…
Okay on that note… Susan, back to you…