Sexy Action News: August 21, 2017

Epic Action Rideshare News: Formerly known as Sexy Action Rideshare News

 

Sexy Action Rideshare News: Happy Monday. Today was quite the busy day. Essentially worked with instapings from 9 to 4. We at SARN hope your day was as profitable and busy as Nathan’s day shift.

Now for our 1st story: Grand Theft KickStart. An anonymous witness has told us that after a long night of Lyfting he accidentally forgot to use his device to lock his car door. This morning as he began his shift he noticed in his passenger door was all of his console contents and more. After looking into his change drawer he discovered someone had stole all his coins and even UIC PARKING tokens. To add insult to injury his Grape Kickstart energy drink was also stolen. Although nothing of real value was stolen it was a depressing way to start the day. The witness’ country music and Nsync cds were not stolen in the incident. So here at SARN we are reminding all drivers to make sure their doors are locked at all cost. With the soda tax our witness is forced to buy another drink in county or pray for a unicorn outside of the county just to replace the stolen beverage.

Our next story is on emblems. It appears countless dumba$#es and CPS graduates are failing to follow the simple instructions on where to place their emblems and tnp documents. Placing the airport sticker on the side doors, bottom left, etc is simply idiotic and careless. It is believed some drivers are putting them in the wrong place to look cool, but in this instance cool looks dumber than the child of Ralph Wiggim and Weezy from Dragon Tales. If you are placing your emblems in the wrong area please stop it. It’s not cool by any means.

Our next story is on the recent renaissance of the surge and prime time. It appears that more students and teachers are finally getting off the platform. With the closing of summer only one can hope the surges continue. SARN’s top Surgeologist Johhny Surgeo had these words to say,”Based on my calculations the surges are back and will remain until Spring 2018″. Thanks Johny. AltSurge has cancelled their “peaceful” rally in Grant Park and are using their tiki-torches in their backyard instead. The Trump administration has yet to comment on the NEW Chicago surge, but many top political advisors believe he will low key mention it at a golf course.
In stats we have the tipping rate estimates at 5%. This may because many Chicagoans may have spent their paychecks on coke and hookers. The surge expectancy is at 31%. The national vomit index is at 1.3%.The Nasdaq dropped it like its hot and the 1 star rate is at 3%. No matter what ,some customer will find something to b#%÷ch about.

Now for our final story, music. Recent customers have come forward and stated they prefer most genres of music but will like to at least have it in their native tongue. This of course excludes Despacito and Poker Face. Do you care about the musical taste of your passengers or do play whatever the f##k you want?

Weather is of course is attached.

In sports the Cubs managed to win in the 10th inning. WWE Summer-slam was decent and the 2024 Olympics may include video games.

That’s all for today at SARN, Susan back to you.

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About Nathan 59 Articles
Editor for the pleasant site of SDNIA.com.