Sexy Action News: November 17, 2017

Epic Action Rideshare News: Formerly known as Sexy Action Rideshare News

 

Hello and welcome to Sexy Action RideShare News (SARN)!

Hello this is Susan WhitePriveledgeo and we will begin with our top story on the new string of car hijackings. Many Uber drivers have began only doing pool rides just to have another stranger in the car who may save them. Jessie Green has stated that he no longer accepts pickups after 4pm out of fear. With fear within the community local alderman are considering a new tax called the, “Passenger Tax”. The funds will go to hire more possibly corrupt officers and deter criminals from being a passenger and in turn stop them from hijacking a car. People coming outside of city lines will be photographed and any car with tinted windows will be automatically taxed. Alderman BadSolutions had this to say,”This tax is the only option to save our city. We have to think about the children!”.

Up next is a story our top field reporter David Dongwa is on the fate of Uber/Lyft Promotions. Many drivers have been complaining that Lyft needs to get rid of its Peak Hour requirements, while many uber drivers have been given shitty $30 for 50 ride weekly promos. Top Analysis Peggy Brown had these words to share, “When you look at companies like Lyft and Uber they are playing a giant game with the customer and their contractors. With more and more drivers oversatuating the market they are left to play as if they care. But the truth is they want to replace drivers with A.I and take the 80% profits they so desperately want. Drivers beware you may need to do Amazon Flex or some other gig VERY SOON”. Thank you Ms. Brown we can always expect to hear hope from you…

Now for stats with Amadana Penetrait, “Hello, thanks for not firing me. Today’s weekend stats are rather promising with the national vomit index at 0.3%. The tipping average is expected to be 20% with most of them not coming from River North. Also the chance of surge is at 20% due to the weather getting to Chiberia temps very soon and possible rain. ”

Thanks Amanda!

Now for our final story, “What to do when traffic has you all F**cked up?”. Here is what experts are calling the “No surge no ride” technique. When traffic is at all time highs and 2 mile rides begin to take 40 minutes. One has to consider the cost of the ride. If time is basically worth as much as the chances of the bears winning a game you have simply go offline. Binge on a TV show; but do not give your time away to a $8 ride for 40 minutes. This may even create some surge… Who knows; I don’t care I’m going to St Louis for the weekend…”

Also, shout out to Ian for asking where is the news…

That’s all for today. Susan, back to you…

 

Preview: On the sizzling finale of SARN, Susan WhitePriveledgo has gone missing and is suspected of being in the back of a trunk, Nathan investigates the port-o-pottys at ORD and Amanda Penetrait picks up the pool of her life. How would this shocking season end? Find out on the SARN season finale December 12th 12pm C/11E only on the SDNIA Network!

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Editor for the pleasant site of SDNIA.com.