Sexy Action News: August 28, 2017

Epic Action Rideshare News: Formerly known as Sexy Action Rideshare News

 

Hello and welcome to Sexy Action Rideshare News! Today is a joyous Monday. There was a nice surge this morning for many people going through the wonderful Traffic of Chicago.

Today we start off with a report from Kelly.

Coming to you live from ORD, where it’s beyond capacity. There are at least a dozen cars parked before you even get in the lot, all the handi’s are taken as well as most of the yellow lined areas. Took me almost 20 minutes of driving around in circles before I got lucky. There has been a hookah sighting, as well as 2 roach coaches. Lyft was at 190 coming it. Teachers and students are back and many Uber drives are at their limit of hours for the month, so the condition of the lot comes as a surprise to some. I’m sure the portapottys are already unusable. Happy Monday!! BREAKING: Does Uber have helicopters in the city already?? More on that to come. Back to you Nathan.

Thanks Kelly. When will people learn that Yellow Lines at those lots mean don’t f**king park there?

Today is fearmonger Monday, so lets go over the things to be scared of today. 7 dead, 26 wounded this weekend. We don’t know where but we assume it was in Wrigleyville. So for anyone thinking they are safe. THINK AGAIN!!!

Now for our top story. Uber has a new CEO in town. After a long wait many drivers are enthusiastic about this new guy. CEO Dara Khosrowshahi from Expedia will now take over the company and hopefully raise rates to 5 bucks a mile and 2 bucks a minute. Can a 48 year old man from Iran can save the company image? The Washington Post is pretty enthusiastic about his ultra-rich relatives and his family connections. Can this begin the era where all of user data is sold and A.I made to replace all drivers outside of Chicago and other “hold out anti-driveless cars areas”? We don’t know; but we only can hope for the best and wish him good luck. This week Uber’s promo had me entirely F**ked up and so I will not be Ubering this week.

Will the popular hashtags #deleteuber and #FUuber continue? To be continued….

Let’s not forget about Stats like so many forgot about Dre. Today the national vomit index is at 0.2%. There is still some a##hole out drinking today. So that’s a thing The chance of surge rate is at healthy 30%. The chance of tipping rate is at 10%. This is because many people are suffering from the sweetened beverage tax of Crook County. The NASDAQ is up by like 15 points. So make that money and possibly use the RobinHood app. I lowkey can slide into your DM my promo code for it.

Next we have an interview with Jimmy from Wisconsin.

“Hey SARN. I had a pretty crazy weekend. I was at Wizard World and I was extremely pissed off Kevin Owens had to cancel. I ordered an Uber there from Wisconsin. I tipped like 20 bucks, but my perfect 5 star rating went down from a 5 to a 3.4. I’m not sure if I said anything bad to the driver. I take my rating serious, so I’m a bit sad this guy gave me a bad rating. I stayed at the convention center the whole time and slept in the hotel lobby. So I didn’t catch a shower on the way back; but I don’t think I smelled too bad. I did bring a spare deordarant tho. I took so many cool pics and I loved the deep dish pizza in Rosemont. For some reason it took a long time to get a ride and like 3 people cancelled on me. I wonder why…”

Well thank you Jimmy. Good luck with your next trip.

Now onto our final story for today because I low key got to do some errands. When a customer enters your car with headphones do you turn the volume up in the car? This weekend many passengers seemed to be rocking out to some loud a%$ music. In a car, its not like someone can’t hear the headphone buzzing. Do you return the favor and blast the car music or do you just suffer through it like half of the country is doing with Trump? In many terrible cases where you call the passenger apps like Pandora exit and require to be reset. Often the launch time of the app may require a red light after the customer enters the vehicle to restart the app.

In a final reminder for those still not accepting Lyft Line. Unlike Uber Pool, Lyft Line pays drivers the same for Miles and Minutes as a regular Lyft. Some people may not like the multiple stop theory, but for the love of Glob, if you are at MDW, ORD or anywhere just take the Lyft Line. Your peak rides and promos will also thank you for it.

Thank you from everyone at SARN. Susan, back to you.

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About Nathan 56 Articles
Editor for the pleasant site of SDNIA.com.